dothackGU the Parody, volume 1
by Drgnmastr-Alex
Summary: The title says it all. A parody fic of .hackG.U. vol. 1. Haseo loves cheese, Ovan is an FPS freak, and TriEdge yells Wryyyyyy! Rated R for safety, but is probably not at that level just yet. Be sure to read and review!


Didn't expect this so soon, did you? MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!! For those of you who don't know me, I've done Love Hina: New and Old Faces, Same Zaniness; Love Hina: Shichinin no Naru; .hack//Crazy; and I'm currently working on Darkstalkers: Makai Crisis. Use those for reference. To get back on track, though, this'll be a .hack//G.U. parody, of which I intend to do all three volumes (just starting at volume one). If anybody else is writing a G.U. parody, I am not ripping them off (having not been on for… close to four months now). If it looks like the content of this fic is too similar to another G.U. parody, please inform me, and I will change the content. One other thing. I IGNORE FLAMES. If you want to send a review that is mostly or fully just insults, or how you hate my writing style and I should change it or you'll report me, don't bother. I go out of my way to please my fans (whatever size the base may be), and I go out of my way not to put up material higher than an "R" rating. If you're looking for trouble, look elsewhere. With that said, here's .hack//G.U. the Parody, vol. 1.

I do not own .hack, .hack//G.U., or any other related properties. Those rights belong solely to Namco Bandai. Nor do I own any other miscellaneous properties that may appear here, as they are copyrighted to their specific companies or creators. In short, I OWN NOTHING IN THIS FIC.

.hack//G.U. the Parody, vol. 1

Chapter 1: Haseo the Bishie of Death, PKs, cheese, and WRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Character Creation: Androgynous White-haired, red-eyed Adept Rogue wearing black leather with red markings and black belts strapped on arms and legs.

Character Name: Haseo

Welcome to "The World R:2". Now warping to Mac Anu.

Warping into an enclosed space with a Chaos Gate and five or so characters, a new character appears, dressed in black, with white hair and red eyes. This is where our story begins.

Haseo: Wow, what's with the lame intro? Nevermind, the graphics are pretty cool.

???: Hey, you!

Haseo: …I wonder if they have any kinds of cheese here?

???: Yo, you, the noob!

Haseo: I've got a hankering for a hunk of cheese. Man… mozzarella, Monterey Jack, Colby Jack… god, my mouth's watering. I'm gonna log off for cheese.

???: Dammit, how many times do I have to call you?! You! The noob Adept Rogue that's acting like such a douche!!

Haseo: Huh? Is he talking to me?

Haseo turns around to see two characters, one male, one female, calling to him.

Male Character: Finally! For a moment, I thought you were deaf! You're a noob, aren't you?

Haseo: Uhhh… what the hell's a noob?

Female Character: It's means "newbie", or "beginner".

Haseo: How can you tell I'm a beginner?

Male Character: sighs From the questions you're asking, that's how. Anyway, come join our party. We can help you level up a bit and get a feel for "The World".

TUTORIAL BEGIN

Haseo: Huh?

Male and female characters, called IYOTEN and Asta, go on a long-winded speech about how to add party members through an invite.

Haseo: (to himself) Urrrngnn…I need cheese…

IYOTEN and Asta join your party!

Haseo: (to himself) I don't want to level up right now. I'm hungry for cheese…

And crackers too. :D

IYOTEN and Asta explain: how to warp, keywords, and monster and item levels.

Haseo: (to himself) I. DON'T. CARE. I'm hungrreeeeeeeeeeeee…

For cheese. :D

IYOTEN: Good, now let's warp.

Haseo: sighs …alright.

Warping into the field, IYOTEN and Asta once again go into an explanation on how to check the map.

Haseo: …god, quiet already…

The three then move towards a party of three goblins, where IYOTEN exlplains how to do a back attack.

Haseo: You finished, IYOTEN? Thank you. SURPRISE ATTACK FROM NOWHERE!

Haseo successfully performs a back attack, and carves off half the goblin's HP. I'll spare the rest of the tutorial to get to the story.

TUTORIAL OVER

Haseo: Thank god.

Asta: Go ahead and get the Beast Statue Treasure. You'll need it.

Haseo gets Random-ass Treasure which will be useless in the next fifteen minutes.

Haseo: Huh? Why's it called this?

IYOTEN: Goddamn Deus-Ex Machina. Nevermind, though, for we are PKS!

Asta: Behold our PKeyness and tremble!! Trembbbllllee!!!!

Haseo: …PKs?

IYOTEN: God, you're hopeless. PKsPlayer Killers.

Haseo: Oh. Well, good luck with that.

IYOTEN: Uh, you don't understand. WE are PKing YOU.

Haseo: …why?

Asta: No reason. We just like crapping on other people's goals and dreams. Kind of like schoolyard bullies, or Michael Moore.

IYOTEN: No more talking. KEEL HEEM!

Haseo runs like a wuss, blocks one attack, and then gets PKed by Asta's big chainsaw broadsword.

Asta: Look, I'm overcompensating!

IYOTEN: But, you're a girl. Are you a girl?

Asta: I'll never te-elll…

A figure in the shadows with Vash's sunglasses and a giant metal cylinder on his left arm appears, pulls out a bayonet, and fires at Asta, one-hit-KOing her.

Cylinder-arm man: HEAD SHOT.

IYOTEN spins around.

IYOTEN: What the deuce?!

IYOTEN gets one-hit-KOed, and rag-dolls off the pedestal where the treasure was.

Cylinder-arm man: DOUBLE KILL.

Cylinder-arm man then dramatically slow-motion walks over to Haseo, and offers his hand in help.

Cylinder-arm man: Didn't you see the little sign "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"? Oh well, welcome to The World.

8 months later.

Random Harvest Cleric: Help! I'm about to get pwned!

Red-headed, semi-dominatrix clad Blade Brandier: STFU!

PKer watching: Huhuhuhuhuh… she said "Eff you".

Meanwhile, on an overhanging cliff, a spiky black-armored character turns around and grins.

???: Heheh… after this, I eat CHEESEcake. …crap, that was lame.

Down on the ground, the PKers celebrate their kill, then a familiar face kicks one in the ass and sends him flying.

Weedy, Buck-toothed Twin Blade (hereby referred to as Negimaru): Heh-heh… waitaminute… it's that "Bishie of Death" guy. Heheheh, Haseo the PKK.

Haseo: It's not "Bishie of Death", dammit! It's "TERROR OF DEATH"!

Grein (big Samoan-looking Edge Punisher): Huhuhuhuhu. He said "whore".

Haseo: That's it! I wanted to talk about the power of cheese, but now, YOU ALL DIE!!

Haseo PKs all but the Red-headed Blade Brandier (hereby referred to as Bordeaux).

Bordeaux: Damn. I didn't think you'd be this powerful. Perhaps the rumors about you PKing a hundred PKers weren't just rumors.

Haseo glares at her: I wanted to talk about cheese.

Bordeaux: Hey, don't give me that look! Listen, maybe I can help you out. So just take it easy and… (she picks up her weapon) DIE!!!

Haseo: (bats it out of her hand with his pimpin' chainsaw broadsword) Bitch, if you don't wanna talk 'bout cheese, then do you know Tri-Edge?

Bordeaux: Tri-Edge?

Haseo: He's a PK covered in blue fire. He also likes to speak like Deo from the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure fighting game.

Bordeaux: That's just an old forum fairy tale.

Haseo turns to leave.

Bordeaux: Hey! You think after all you've done, you can just walk away like nothing happ-

Haseo goes RE4 chainsaw guy on Bordeaux, yelling in Spanish.

Haseo (after finishing): You defy the cheese, then yes, I think I can.

In Mac Anu

Haseo walks to where ever he is going, and runs into Sakaki, the Ten-year old samurai wanna-be, and Atoli.

Sakaki: Haseo, I'd like to have a word with you.

Haseo: Unless it's about cheese, I'm leaving.

Sakaki: You doodie-head! I'm a head member of Moon Tree, and we protect players from PKers. However, PKKers are just as bad, even though they keep the PKers in line and bring players and admirers to the game. I'm jealous of you, which is why I'm badmouthing you right now. Ppphhhttt!!!

Haseo: Fool! You did not just give me a raspberry!

Atoli: Wait! Sakaki does have a small semblance of a point. If we could all just get along together, this problem would never persist!

Haseo: …Shino?!

Haseo has flashbacks of Talking to Shino of exotic cheeses.

Sakaki: Atoli, do you know him?

Atoli: No, I've never really met him before now.

Sakaki: Good. He just mistook your character. If he knew you, I'd have to go back to drawing boobs on an etch-a-sketch.

Haseo, you've got mail.

Haseo: …OVAN?!

Haseo runs like the mailman from Legend of Zelda: OoT, to get to the area where he'll meet Ovan.

Sakaki: Darn you! I wasn't finished badmouthing you!

Atoli: Mmmm… irritable white-haired bishie… me like. :D

Haseo arrives at Delta: Hidden Forbidden Waterfall.

Ovan (Cylinder-arm man): Long time, Haseo.

Haseo: Where have you been?! I haven't been able to talk to anyone about cheese since you left!!

Ovan: The awesomeness of cheese aside, I've been out gathering… information. As well as playing every single Doom, Half-Life, Unreal, Quake, and Wolfenstein game I could find. The awesome games people sell at yard sales, incredible!

Haseo: What information?

Ovan: Tri-Edge has returned.

Haseo has more flashbacks about talking with Shino about exotic cheeses.

Haseo: Where is he?!

Ovan: He's been appearing at Delta: Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground.

Haseo: The Hulle Granz Cathedral!

Ovan: Now's the chance you've been waiting for. Remember: Do a Frickin' Barrel Roll!

Haseo: Huh?

Ovan: Nevermind. I found StarFox 64 for 320 yen, and I'm hooked.

At the Hulle Granz Cathedral

As Haseo warps in, he remembers the conversation he had with Shino. …well, at least the ones where cheese was involved.

Haseo: Shino, are we going to talk about cheese again?

Shino: Oh yes, cheese is wonderful.

Haseo: How many kinds of cheese do you think there are in the world?

Shino: I don't know. But I guess there are all sorts of exotic cheeses waiting to be eaten.

Haseo: …drool

Shino: Did you know there used to be a statue of a girl here?

Haseo: Did she like cheese?

Shino: I don't think so. But she was very important.

Haseo: If she was so important, why didn't she like cheese?

Shino: I'm not certain. Lactose intolerance, maybe?

Haseo: Oh, that's a shame.

Shino: She disappeared long ago, though. She may have given up hope for this world.

Haseo: Hmmm, cheese deficiency. Too bad.

End flashback.

Haseo: I will get you back, Shino. And then we will talk about cheese like we always did!

Entering the cathedral, Haseo sees a sign that looks like Piros's head with two red lines making an "X" through his face on the pedestal at the very back. Haseo fantasizes some more about cheese, before a loud DINGGG-GG is heard, with a glowing blue orb trailing fire appearing and bursting into light, knocking him back. Large blue flames give way to a figure in red with runes on his clothing. Teal hair covers the upper half of his face but one blue eye, which seems lifeless and abyssal. The figure then pulls out two blades, which spring to life, forming three edged twin blades, looking like the claws of a demon.

Tri-Edge: ..huuuhghhhhh…

Haseo is temporarily stunned, but then screams at the top of his lungs, and in one motion, phases his twin blades and launches himself at the PK. His first blow is instantly met with steel, seeing that Tri-Edge easily blocked his attack. A stunned look, Haseo once more launches a full assault, not pausing for anything. Throwing blow after blow, an unceasing assault that would normally be the end of every PK he'd encountered was blocked with preternatural speed. Haseo leaps back, phases away his twin blades, and phases in his chainsaw broadsword, which revs to life. Skimming the floor of the cathedral with his blade, sparks flying, he leaps into the air at the last moment and brings his blade down on Tri-Edge, who successfully blocks it again. Haseo, forcing all his weight behind his sword, slowly causes Tri-Edge to buckle bit by bit. Sensing this, Tri-Edge swipes Haseo with his right blade, sending a shockwave that sends Haseo flying, losing the grip on his broadsword in the process. Landing face-down, his sword skidding upright to a stop, he looks up at his advancing attacker, Tri-Edge giving an impish grin.

Tri-Edge: Rrrudadada!

Haseo pushes himself up, rage building, and screams a feral scream, pulling out his scythe.

Haseo: I'M NOT DONE YET!!!!

Tri-Edge summons another shockwave, de-materializing Haseo's scythe, leaving him in astonishment.

Tri-Edge: Za World-o!

As Haseo looks up, Tri-Edge's hand is right at Haseo's face, and a split second later a high level spell is released, hitting Haseo with such impact that static lines appeared, and lowering Haseo's HP to critical levels. As Haseo steadies himself, Tri-Edge sheathes his blades, raises his right arm up, hand open, directs it at Haseo, and data altered polygons appear, surrounding his arm like a bracelet. A charging sound grows louder, and Haseo hears one more noise before the attack finishes charging:

Tri-Edge: WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Streams of altered data shoot out, snaking towards Haseo, and hit him, causing the entire area to contort with static and noise. The attack seems to expire, with Haseo on his knees, staring at Tri-Edge. The screen still flickering, Haseo leers at him, until a speck of de-materializing polygon floats in front of his face. Looking down at himself, his entire character started fragmenting polygons, his upgraded armor disintegrating before him. Soon, Haseo slumps to the ground, his character's color's faded. Before his viewpoint blanks out, he sees what appears to be a man wearing Vash the Stampede's glasses and a giant cylinder for a left arm, and mutters:

Haseo: Should've listened…should've done a … frickin'…barrel roll…

I'll update this fic as soon as possible, but right now, I need to work on my Darkstalkers fic. Anyways, I sincerely hope you like how this first chapter came out. If you did, please send in your reviews. Or, if there's an area that you think might be inaccurate, or you point out how I can improve an area, send a review. As I've said before, though, I do not respond to flames, ESPECIALLY ANONYMOUS FLAMES. Happy reading/writing to you all, and Merry Christmas/Hanukkah to everyone.


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